The Power of Mimetic Desire in Social Drinking

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We’ve all heard the saying “what you do is who you are.”

Earlier this week, I went to an investors dinner. They sent out a spreadsheet beforehand asking for dietary preferences, allergies etc. I put “please provide non-alcoholic options” knowing there was a cocktail hour beforehand.

Right when I walked in, they handed me sparkling water in a wine glass and we started talking about sobriety and my vision for the company.

Have you ever had a similar experience, where someone sees you not drinking, raises their hand and says “I’ll have what she’s having?”

Whether we realize it or not, we are always casting a vote for the type of person we want to be. We are always making choices that are either in alignment with our ideal self or against it. We are a billboard for our self-concept.

Making a decision as simple as electing not to drink gives others in the room permission to make that same choice. Choosing not to drink in a culture where drinking is the default norm is a leadership decision, and one that I’ve found gives me, and other people around me who have made this choice, respect.

That’s the ultimate paradox around going sober. At first, you might be outcasted for making a decision against the social norm. Yet overtime, you’re revered for taking action on something others want but don’t believe they can have for themselves.

I was recently asked what % of drinkers are social drinkers. There’s a shocking lack of data around the “grey area” of sobriety. I haven’t found many strong, convincing studies about the casual drinker, the weekends-only drinker, the celebration drinker, the social drinker.

So I decided to look into this more.

One of the most interesting theories that helps explain social drinking is called Mimetic Theory. Originated from René Girard in the 60’s, “a persons choice of an object is not determined by the object itself but is fundamentally determined by a third party which is a model of desire.”

Luke Burgis wrote a great book on this called Wanting (thank you for the recommendation Isabel!) We’ll dive into some key insights from his book and how it relates to social drinking.

Tacit knowledge are things that we know, however we can’t explain why, or how, we know them.

If I asked you if you should drink, the likely answer is that you know it’s probably not good for you, and that you would be better off without it. Temperance is a widely agreed-upon virtue. But if I asked you to explain it, it would be in vague terms and you wouldn’t know exactly why you think that or how it works.

We know more than we’re able to explain that we know. We have inarticulate knowledge about a lot of things, both intellectually and intuitively. This is undervalued in our society because we’re encouraged to back all of our reasoning with evidence.

Beyond our hardwired biological needs, we have a desire for deep human connection. To know and to be known by others.

We convince ourselves that there’s a straight line between us and the objects of our desire. Girard calls that the Romantic Lie. Sobriety is an identity. And identity is mimetic. We’re highly relational and our identity is shaped through our relationships.

What Luke argues is that goals themselves are usually a product of mimetic desire. There has to be a greater, positive desire to replace the negative desire.

“What desire starts, discipline continues and rituals cement.” Desire alone is not enough without discipline or ritual. We usually intellectually know something is good, even when we don’t want it yet. 

Luke closes the book by stating “Live as if you have a responsibility for what other people want.”

Another great resource is this interview between Shane Parrish and Luke Burgis.

Creating a sense of social belonging is one of the foundational elements after making the lifestyle change to go sober.

I’ve seen convincing counterarguments — For the moments you don’t form closer social bonds while being inhibited, helping to combat loneliness, does that outweigh the costs of drinking alcohol?

I haven’t found a compelling study to point to this either, and it varies drastically depending on what age the person went sober and what other variables/circumstances are involved.

Here’s an interesting snapshot of a debate on the subject:

Speaking from experience, the first time I drank alcohol and the time periods where my consumption was at its peak was directly correlated with social pressures.

Although, at the end of the day, I was still responsible for that choice.

Our lives are a series of decisions. And if this newsletter can serve any purpose, I hope it inspires you to take on your own sobriety journey. Or share it with a friend who could use it.

I hope you have already, or will, make the best choice for your circumstances — when the time is right, on your own terms.

Thank you for reading and sharing Social Experiment. I’ve received all of your replies, and your feedback helps us improve every week. Grateful for your readership and your contribution to what we’re building. 🤝

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See you next time.

Brooke